I started writing this in the middle of my first trimester and frankly has been a little embarrassed to post. This weird guilt associated with my growing body, despite the fact that I love being pregnant, can be nerve wracking. Here it goes though...
One of the things I have most looked forward to about being pregnant was the ability to feel totally comfortable in my skin. I know, a bit of a pipe dream but as someone who has really struggled losing weight after my second child, I was looking forward to weight not mattering to me for at least 9 months.
On one hand my body is strong. Stronger than it may have ever been. Just months ago I ran a half marathon. I haven't missed a day of exercise except for pre-planned rest days. I'm lifting more weights than ever and I can still bang out my side plank. I am certainly stronger at this stage than my second pregnancy if not my first. Sadly I'm not running but that's more been the heat. If September cools off fast enough I'll be back to walking and running. (Update, yes back to walking, a little running and swimming!)
This pregnancy so far has been less than awesome morning sickness wise (or as I like to call it, all-day sickness) but I'm getting back to healthy eating. Really trying to integrate my Shakeology back in my diet. Eating eggs and veggies and perhaps the occasional donut. (I mean, come on.)
That's neither here nor there. The point is I've been looking forward to this time so that I can relax. Not the healthy eating. Not the exercise. Relax the judgment I put on myself. It hasn't exactly worked. When I look at myself I don't see the strong person that I know I am and the person is growing a human in my belly, but instead I see someone over weight that just doesn't look that good. I try to remind myself what I would say to me if I were someone else. I would tell them how great they look. How strong they are. How they are really being too hard on themselves. I'll look at women who are about my size (or I think they are) and I think they look good. I don't judge them.
So why do I judge myself? Why do we judge ourselves? Why do we hold ourselves to standards that are so much higher and much less attainable. It is one thing to set goals. It is an entirely other thing to beat ourselves up over and over again for not being perfect.
That's where the post stopped. Now I'm two or three months later and feeling and looking even more pregnant. I just passed the five month mark and my husband recently reminded me that the next four months will be my last four months pregnant. Perhaps ever. I think he thought this was a good thing. Suddenly, it hit me. Only four more months that I get to carry another being inside of me. Truly a blessing.
Another thing happened the other day. Apparently, one way to tell if you will live longer is whether or not you can stand up from a sitting position on the ground without using your hands. I have no idea why this is a thing but turns out it has something to do with core strength, and five months pregnant I can still do this! To me this just reminds me what an awesome body I have.
So despite the urge to ask the photographer for our family photos to remove my double chin (guilty) I am going to try to stay focused each day and every day on the gift and magic that is happening in my body right now. That's not to say that I won't need to refocus myself but I am going to work as hard as I can to no judge myself and instead to embrace my awesomeness.
| This photo makes me cringe...Hello double chin. Then again I am on the cover of Runners World so I'm pretty awesome! |