Share a Knowing Smile and Keep Living

“Mother is not a title. Mother is a verb. It is not who you are. It’s what you do.” – Shonda Rhimes

I've been meaning to write this for months and months.  The seed was planted in my mind after having a conversation with a friend about how hard it was for her as a stay at home mom and the fact that her husband didn't totally respect what it took for her to do it all.  It was pretty obvious from my outside looking in perspective, that she would have been able to do his job, as a well educated experience woman, but he might not be able to do her job so easily.  I spent an evening giving her a pep talk.  Me, the working mom, was giving a pep talk to the stay at home mom.   According to the media working moms and stay at home moms shouldn't be supporting each other.  The fact is however that we're both moms and being a mom is hard whether you are "working" or "staying at home".  Both terms, by the way, are totally absurd.  As if someone who works outside the home works more or harder than a "stay at home" mom and the fact is I don't really know any "stay at home" moms who actually stay at home.

Like I said, I've been meaning to write this post for months but it finally took listening to Shonda Rhimes' book "The Year of Yes" to get me to sit down and write it.  That and reading a few other blog posts have inspired me to write my own commentary on the Mommy Wars.  So here it goes...

I think the mommy war is made up by someone.  I'm not going to blame the "mainstream media" because I don't know that its their fault.  I don't know who made up this idea of the mommy wars but I just don't believe it.  The fact is that I don't know any mothers that have enough time or energy to resent other mothers.  Maybe themselves.  Maybe they get frustrated, angry and resentful toward themselves but other mothers, not so much.  I suppose that's not entirely true.  I've heard of people being stressed by the pressure of Pinterest which I guess in its own way is a mommy war but that's really the crafty v. the non crafty right?  Not really "working" moms v. "stay at home" moms.

I don't know where this mommy war thing came from but I have my theories.  I think its about a generation old.  I think it started with our moms where there were women who fought the good fight for feminism and went out and got jobs.  There were women that didn't.  Of course that didn't make them any less feminists.  It didn't make the women who got jobs any less moms.  It did set them both up for a nice amount of resentment.

The fact of the matter is that it is hard being a working mom.  Or a work outside the home mom.  It is hard being a work at home mom.  It is just hard being a mom.  Those tiny humans are pretty much crazy.  It is hard being a mom and it is hard being a woman.  Whether you have children or not it is hard to be a woman.  Either way you're "punished" for just being a woman by making less money and being questioned constantly as to whether you will have kids or not or whether or not you will have more kids.  It is hard being a person.  Life is hard and we don't have time to worry about who has it harder.  Being a person is hard.  Being a mom is hard.

I listened to Shonda Rhimes and she called for an end to the mommy wars.  That we all should stop judging each other.  That we shouldn't assume that just because we are on "different sides"  doesn't mean we are on opposite sides.  We're really all in the trenches together.  I'd like to take it a step farther though.  Let's just not stop the judgment of others, lets stop the judgment of ourselves and lets support each other!

When my kids have a party at school I like to sign up to bring cookies.  Not store bought cookies but homemade cookies.  This is not because I think I am better than other moms.  This is simply because I like to bake cookies.  It was a fun thing my Dad and I did growing up and now its a fun thing to do with my kids.  Its an activity to pass the time.  I don't get fancy.  I do drop cookies because that's what I can make.  They like it, I like it, we're all happy.  If I don't sign up for the cookies I don't care if the person who does brings store bought cookies.  It really doesn't matter.  No judgment.  What I of course need to work on is not judging myself if I buy the store bought cookies.  I'm not competing against anyone but myself and perhaps I need to realize its not a competition.  And I think there in lies the problem.  The mommy guilt.  The mommy guilt we put on ourselves so much so that we assume other people care as much as we do about what we do.  I'll let you in on a little secret.  They don't.  We care if we bake homemade cookies or store bought (or maybe you don't but I guess you care about something else).  If you think that someone else is judging you in all likelihood are judging yourself.  Just let it go.  Let go of the judgment of yourself and assume that others are supporting you.  The fact is that they probably are. 

So I don't know where the mommy wars came from but I do have a feeling that mostly its a war against ourselves that we cast onto others.  Women need to support women.  Whether the women are mothers or not and whether the mothers work at home or out of the house.  Let's just celebrate, each other.  And if you're too tired to celebrate perhaps we just share some knowing smiles and keep living. 

I declare victory for today!

This saying could not be truer.  I suppose you could also say something like always find the silver lining for my day but truly appreciating the little things is what gets me through many days.  Obviously some days we have big magical moments but most of the blessed moments of my life come in the smallest of packages.  

By all normal judgments today has not been an awesome day.  I'm feeling less than well...lets be honest I have a stomach bug of some sort to the point that when my son asked if I was going to exercise I not jokingly said, "I can't sit up.  I won't be exercising."  My primary goal for today was to get enough liquids that I stayed hydrated.  

I'm normally on morning duty with the kids which I really enjoy for the most part.  I am a morning person and I don't need to set an alarm.  All good things.  This morning though I realized upon my sons request for milk, and my inability to easily get off the couch to bring hims some, that I would have to go back to bed and hand over morning responsibilities.  

I had help for dinner too but the big excitement in my house these days is bed time and I was flying solo for bedtime.  My patience was gone and my inability to snuggle hampered by my painful tummy.  I was not looking forward to bedtime.  I couldn't chase, tickle or snuggle my boys at all.    I wasn't sure how it was going to go.  So I started bedtime, extra, extra early in hopes that even a slow bedtime would get them to bed early.  By some miracle my kids went to sleep on the first try tonight.  I don't even know how that was possible.  Seriously, I don't know how.  It was like some form of magic.  It sounds like such a little thing but today it really was such a big thing.  

Moral of this story is to not wait for the future to look back and realize the little things are the big things.  Enjoy the victories, even the small ones when they happen because frankly, you'll appreciate them more now then in the future, looking back.   Today I barely stayed upright but darn it, my kids went to bed.  Success!

What a difference a year makes

I posted this photo on Facebook last night.  12 hours later and it already has over 70 likes meaning that in all of the end of year recaps on Facebook I will probably see this photo over and over again.  I almost did not post this photo.  I do not love it at all.  8 months pregnant and all I see is a lot of weight to lose and a double chin.  Or at least that was the first thing I saw.  About a year or two ago I think that would have been the only thing I saw.  I would have seen a woman who every day literally weights more today than she did before and the most she has ever weighed in her life.  Who has a closet full of clothing that when she has the baby and probably 3 months later and 6 months later still will not fit in to them.  2 years ago that is where it would have ended.  With being embarrassed about the photo that is on our town's newspaper's front page.

Fortunately for me and my self confidence yesterday that is not all I saw.  I stared at the photo a little longer.  I saw a woman having a pretty good hair day wearing her favorite necklace.  I saw a woman who despite being 8 months pregnant had rocked a great workout that morning.  I saw a woman on a much needed night out with her husband having fun with a group of relatively new friends in a town that although she has lived in for 8 years finally feels like a part of it.  (As someone who group in a town where you couldn't go anywhere without running into someone you knew I'm surprised to say that I missed it.)  I was also able to see the humor in a photo of a pregnant woman putting tickets in a jar in order to win gift certificates to a pizza and ice cream place. 

I don't know what this really says.  Perhaps it says I used to be too serious or too self conscious.  What I think is more likely is that over the last 2 years I have devoted a lot of time and energy to helping other people live healthier, more confident and more inspired lives.  It has caused me to get out of my comfort zone and made me realize a lot of things about life.  One of the biggest take aways is that we judge ourselves way, way harder than others judge us or even think about us.  The fact is that most people don't have the energy or time to be bothered or focused on someone else long enough to focus on their flaws.  In fact most people would much rather focus on the good things and be positive.  

The point of all of this, if there is one, is to encourage you to look beyond your self criticism and push yourself to see the positives.  All the wonderful things about you that the rest of us see.  Being self confident does not mean never seeing personal flaws, instead it means seeing all the wonderful things about yourself too.

3 Turns to Find Myself

It took about 3 turns off the ski lift before I remembered why I missed skiing so much.  Last weekend I went skiing for the first time since I was pregnant with my three year old.  Skiing was the last thing that I hadn't done, but wanted to do, since becoming a Mom.  Sure, I liked sleeping in, but I've always been an early riser.  I liked being able to go out at night, but I've always been a home body.  Since having my kiddos I've been running again, to concerts, to brunch.  Life, has returned to relative normalcy.  Or the new normal.  The new amazing, wonderful motherhood normal.

While I missed skiing, and after years of skiing almost every weekend from December through April, I really missed it, it just never seemed to be worth the necessary planning that would go into getting me to a ski mountain.  Did I really want to bring a pump with me?  Was it worth not seeing my kiddos for a whole day?  We waited it out until a pump was unnecessary, brought the grandparents along, so we could see the kiddos for lunch.  It took a lot of coordination.  It took a lot of planning.

After 3 turns it was totally worth it.  In fact the moment I started putting on my ski clothing at home just to make sure it all fit I started finding the person that used to wear them.  I put on my ski boots and my helmet in front of my kiddo and he said "Mommy, you're a skier!"  Oh, that's right.  I am a skier.  As we pulled into the parking lot at the base of the mountain, it slowly started coming back to me.  Without thinking I put on my boots and all of my cold weather accessories (and there were a lot since it was about 0 degrees).  As we walked to the lodge I didn't even have to think about how to carry my skis, they just went where they always go and by the time we made it on the lift, I was almost back in the groove.

It took about 3 turns off the ski lift before I remembered why I missed skiing so much.  It wasn't the skiing, but the person I was when I was skiing.  I was cold weather loving and adventurous.  I was someone pushing my limits both physically and mentally.  I was a lover of the great outdoors and not just defined by the congested New Jersey area that I lived.

So much of my time after becoming a mother was spent redefining myself in terms of who I was as a mother that I forgot some of the who I was before I became a mother.  Maybe it was a defense mechanism that I forgot because I didn't want to feel bad or guilty.  Or maybe I just didn't figure out how to fit that person in with who I was now.  Its not as if I don't like the person that I am now, becoming a mother has been amazing.

But it took about 3 turns off the ski lift before I remembered who the person I was before I was a mother.  Down the mountain, that freezing cold mountain, my body remembered how to ski and because I had make the necessary precautions so I wasn't worried about my kiddos, I wasn't worried about my kiddos.  I was only concerned with the snow about 20 feet in front of me.  Finding the powder, finding the ice.  And like before, when my distractions were work or wedding planning, or something else, the snow served as my escape.  The cold weather was my challenge.

At the bottom of the mountain I told my husband that's all I needed.  One run.  Just a reminder of what I could do.

I was home.  The person I was before, was still there, she just was even better with skills she never imagined, like the ability to comfort a crying baby in the middle of the night on 2 hours of sleep.  Juggling two kids in Costco and come out with what I actually wanted.  My multitasking was taken to another level with kids making the simplicity of skiing even more calming.

It took about 3 turns to find myself and to realize I hadn't gone anywhere.